Saturn: Dead or Alive?

Odd things happened yesterday. So my thinking that my car could heal itself isn't as strange as it might seem at first.

First my cousin, Sue, posted to Facebook that bizarre electrical things were happening at her house, and coincidentally it was the birthday of her recently departed dear friend. I believe in signs like that.

Then I met a friend, Vonda, for lunch. Vonda recently had cataract surgery and I helped her with a few things as she recovered, and she felt the need to treat me in return. While we sat talking, she suddenly looked to her side, as if she heard something next to her in the booth. For an instant I thought she heard her cell phone ringing in her purse, but it quickly became obvious from the look on her face that it wasn't that. When I asked her what was going on she said, "I just heard someone laughing. Right next to me here." Vonda obviously heard it, since she was upset. Hearing things will do that to you.

I said, "We were just talking about the kids. I bet you heard Gwennie laughing. She's probably here with us right now." That didn't exactly comfort Vonda, but she was too polite to tell me I'm nuts. I believe Gwen was likely there, in spirit, and tickled to hear about the kids and the fun they had at Sophia's party.

When I got home, my computer had gone to sleep. I woke it up and it was extremely sluggish. I don't blame it for this reaction, since I'm not a morning person myself, and I simply restarted it. But it didn't restart. It went to a black screen with one ominous line across the top that said, "Disc boot failure. Insert system disc to blah blah blah." I had no intention of coddling it like that. I simply held my finger down on the power button till it went dark. I waited a few minutes, turned it back on, and all was well.

Later I left to meet my friend, Kathy*, at the Olive Garden restaurant. I had a gift card to use and we hadn't seen each other for forever (like a week or so). I got in my car, turned the key, and started it up. Then it stalled out. Huh. I turned the key again and it started right up and stayed on. I figured it was just a weird kind of day, with strange things happening. I drove. I took the back way because the radio report said the 101 was backed up due to a hit and run. Everyone else heard the report and the back way was backed up.

Twice my car sort of hiccupped. It never does that. It's 11 years old and has always run perfectly, except for when it needed a new battery four years ago. And I discovered that when I went out to the driveway and found it wouldn't start. No drama. I asked my guardian angels to please keep me from breaking down in the midst of that traffic. The car continued to run and I got to the restaurant and pulled into a parking spot. As I was shifting into Park, the car died. You can't say the angels failed me. I was not in traffic. The battery had to be dead, since the doors wouldn't even lock. Yet I hugged Kathy hello and rather calmly told her, and said we should just go in and eat -- that maybe it'd be okay when we were done. Why not, right? The computer just needed a minute to settle itself down. Batteries can come back to life if you just believe.

Kathy, being a tad more sane and practical, but also hungry, said that after we ate she'd jump my battery. A lovely dinner and visit ensued, if you don't count them getting my order wrong and Kathy needing to send hers back for something that didn't taste bad (an off night, I'm sure, since OG is usually just fine). Then it was time to deal with my car.

I got in, turned the key, and it started right up. The universe fixed my car while I ate!  Kathy, again being more sane and practical, said she'd follow me home, just in case. And, in an appalling lack of faith, I said it was probably better if we took the back way, rather than get on the freeway. The universe reacts to a lack of faith the way dogs do when they smell fear.

I got a couple of miles, no problems or hiccups, and then stopped for the light at the 118. I was the first car, with Kathy right behind me, and we were in the middle of three lanes. The one to our right was a right only lane, and the other two were left turn lanes. Technically you could go straight ahead also from the lane we were in, if you were going to State Ready Mix, a company that provides sand and concrete and other stuff. The entrance to it was closed at 8:30 PM, so going straight ahead would allow you to cross the 118 and, after maybe thirty feet, run into a locked gate.

As I waited for the light to change, the car died. Dead, dead, so very dead. No lights, no ability to put the emergency flashers on. I jumped out of the car and told Kathy to put hers on. She had no idea where hers were, so I leaned into her van and did it myself. Because people say odd things in stressful situations she took the time to thank me and say she'd always wondered how to do that. Then, again because people (okay, me) do odd things in stressful situations, I stood between our vehicles and called the Oxnard police. I stood between our vehicles!

If you cut off a limb with a chain saw, I'd calmly call 9-1-1 and have someone apply pressure while putting your limb in a bag of ice. But if my car breaks down, I lose my mind. I can't fix a car. I'm at the mercy of (mostly) men who have ripped me off royally in the past, because I have no idea what's wrong or how to fix it. And I can't afford to have this happen. At least on the inside, I go into a complete panic. So, I was standing between the vehicles, even though the normal me would know that's idiotic.

The dispatcher transferred me to the CHP, and that dispatcher, a woman, took my information about what had happened. I said I'd call AAA, but I needed a police car because I was blocking traffic and it wasn't safe. Duh. She asked me where I was standing. I'm thinking she's not psychic, but rather I'm hardly the only person to be so stupid. I told her and she said, very calmly, "Ma'am, please move carefully, when it's safe to do so, to the side of the road. Where is your friend?" I told her Kathy was still in her van and she said, "I suggest that she also move to the side of the road, for safety's sake." Of course, because the cars coming up Vineyard Avenue were barreling toward the back of the van and then swerving away at the last minute, flashers notwithstanding. People are oblivious. The nice woman said she'd get AAA started for me, so they'd get there faster.

Kathy and I stood in the weeds at the side of the road and watched in horror as car after car swerved around her van. I was wondering if my insurance would cover buying her a new vehicle, since she was there only to help me, or if I'd have to pay for it myself. I don't know how I kept the hysterical laughter inside. We talked about where the CHP office was, how far away one of them might be, and why the freakin' hell they were taking so long. Then the lights on my car came back on. I believe I pronounced it "possessed."

I think it took almost thirty minutes for the cop to arrive. When he pulled up behind Kathy's van I said, "Do you not see the flashers, idiot? Go around her." I said this because he pulled right up and stopped. But I didn't know it was him because he didn't have his lights on. Wasn't that the point of him being there? Luckily he was still in the car when I said it, and didn't hear me. And he did turn some of the lights on. Not the full panel, which in my stressed state really annoyed me.

He looked at my car, which wouldn't start even though the lights were on, and looked around the immediate area. There was no shoulder, anywhere. He said he'd push me onto the 118 and across the bridge, and we'd stop on the other side, where there was a place to pull off the road. The uniform, the aura of authority, even the gun had no impact on me. I flat out refused to go along with his plan. I think I said, "We'll both die." He smiled, and I had the impression that smiles get him what he wants in life (30, dark and handsome), and assured me we would not. I said we wouldn't because there was no way I was going over that bridge, being pushed. I then pointed to the entrance to State Ready Mix and said, "Why can't you push me over there?"

He eyed it, then said, "You'll have no power steering. Can you turn once you get there so you're parallel to the street? The tow truck will need to be able to access the front of your car." I said that of course I could. We had a plan, and it involved him getting his car behind me, us waiting for a "fresh green light," and then him pushing. I told Kathy to just go on home, thanked her, and we all got in our vehicles. And Kathy didn't move. I realized that she couldn't see if she could pull into the other lane because the cop was blocking her view. It took him longer to realize it. He used his loudspeaker to suggest that she leave when she had a chance. I started laughing, then stopped, sure the hysteria wasn't tamped down all that far. Finally he caught on and got out of his car and stopped traffic so she could leave.

I had my car in Neutral, foot off the brake, and when the light turned green he pushed me across the four or five lanes. When I got off the road I turned the wheel and the car had just enough momentum to carry me to the position we'd talked about. Then another CHP cop showed up. They chatted, and talked about how they'd need to shut off a lane when the tow truck arrived. I looked at all the room between the road and the gate and said, "What if you push me back? Then the tow truck can back in and be completely off the road while he takes my car." The second cop looked skeptical, but the first guy knew I'd managed to turn the big bad wheel without power once, so he thought it was a good idea.

Second cop stopped traffic and first cop pulled up to my front bumper. He pushed, but I didn't go anywhere. He pushed again. Nothing. He said over his loudspeaker that I shouldn't have the wheels turned yet. So I let them go straight again, he pushed, and I moved back. I quickly turned so I'd go back toward the gate. Turning the wheels stops the momentum, so I wasn't back far enough. Second cop again stopped traffic, and first cop made this big U-turn in the 118 and came straight at me. For a moment I thought he was going to plow into me, but he stopped short at the last minute. However, he didn't gently push me when he put his foot on the gas this time. He hit me hard. I went backwards, and stopped at the gate. In the beam of my headlights, which were still on, I saw my license plate holder. Second cop left. Pushy cop felt badly and started explaining how easy it'd be to fix it. I didn't care. It seemed completely unimportant.

He talked into the radio hanging over his shoulder, then said his boss wanted him to get my info, since he'd damaged my car. I didn't say that it probably ought to be the other way around. I handed him my license plate. He laughed, and asked for my license and phone number. It was dark, and I couldn't have read his name tag without my glasses even if it weren't, so I asked him his name. Oh my gosh. I now know the entire history of his name, when and how he changed it, why, his heritage, and more. It was all very entertaining, though I don't expect you to believe that. A lot of it was due to his delivery. Officer Mike Alfonso (not Italian) was very funny and charming once he was no longer suggesting scary things or breaking my car.

I heard all about his family vacation to Texas, too. I didn't know about the Moody Gardens in Galveston. One of its attractions is a museum with a "Bodies Revealed" exhibit. That's the one that has actual human bodies shown in dissected form, so you can see the inner workings, muscles, organs, etc. Mike was grossed out by it, and only went because his wife insisted. He said, "They made a point of telling us that everyone had volunteered to be studied by science, so there was no one inside who would object to being on display. AS IF that would make it appealing." Again I felt the laughter trying to take over, but I beat it down.

I think it might've taken an hour for the tow truck guy to show up. When he did, he got into my car and it started right up. He said this often happens. He popped the hood, saying I probably had a loose battery connection. The battery was battened down tight, so he decided it was not that. He cleverly told me it was probably something electrical, and expensive. I did not ask for his name.

Tow truck guy wanted me to drive my car home. He said he'd follow me, but since it was running, why not? I didn't say that I pay $80. a year for AAA and if I want a tow I'll damn well get a tow. I said that it was also running when I left the Olive Garden, until it wasn't. And breaking down in the middle of the road once a day was enough for me. I guess he didn't much want to do the work of putting the car up on the flatbed, because he really tried to convince me to drive.

At one point he looked at Mike and said, "It was dead before? You saw it?" I'm pretty sure Mike saw my body language as I tensed and The Look took over my face. He said, "Yup, it was dead. And I don't think Mary decided that, since dinner at Olive Garden hadn't been exciting enough, she'd just invent a car problem so she could spend some time with us." Tow truck guy looked chagrined. He got out of my car and said it was no problem, he'd tow me home (I had no idea what shop to take it to, so just wanted to get home and decide later), but he didn't move to do so.

He just stood there, chatting. His conversation wasn't as funny or interesting as Mike's, but we all stood around talking, and Mike had both of us cracking up. He said that once, while covering Santa Barbara, he was called to a house where the driveway was blocked by a parked car. Instead of having it towed right away, Mike went door to door, trying to find who owned it so they could just move it. At one house the woman inside wouldn't open the door, but cracked the window just enough to see him. He told her why he was there and she said, "Can I see some ID?"

Mike spread his arms, then pointed to himself. "Uniform, name tag, badge, gun, radio that squawks -- I didn't see how showing her my driver's license would be any more of an assurance." Maybe you had to be there, and still operating on high adrenaline, but I thought it was hilarious. I also thought that we should probably be moving right along with this whole tow thing, yet we weren't. They just kept chatting. I had no idea how late it was, or that John had called to ask where I was. Tow truck guy put my car on the flatbed, but then continued to gab.

Finally the static on Mike's radio seemed to be asking where he was. He told it he was just about done and said to us, "They're looking for me. I guess I have to go." Tow truck guy said, "Oh, they're looking for me, too." I thought, "Then why have we been standing around shooting the breeze???" But I didn't say that.

Mike made some kind of smart ass remark. I can't remember what it was. But all who know me know that I have a habit of smacking someone on the arm if they say something like that to me. I was mid-strike when I stopped myself. I said, "Geez, I was just about to hit you." Tow truck guy said, "That wouldn't have been good." I said, "Well, you can take the girl out of New Jersey but you can't take NJ out of the girl." Mike said, "Before you threaten me with any more bodily harm, let's go."

He took off, tow truck guy and I got into the truck, and he saw another flatbed go around the corner. He grabbed the radio and said, "Al, is that you?" Al replied, "Yeah, man, I was looking for you. You okay?" Tow truck guy said, "I'm A-okay, just about to take her home, uh, take this car to Colina Vista now." I'm thinking Al questioned him later.

When I got home it was 11:00 PM. That's a lot of chatting.

Good grief, I'm long-winded, aren't I? There's more to the car story, but I'll save it for part deux.

*Name changed because my friend didn't like having her privacy invaded with my blog.  Lesson learned.